In mid-September I went to a pub in Nottingham. No big deal you might think: except it was. A very, very big deal for me. It was the first time I went out in public as Alice.
I feel that needs saying again: it was the first time I went out in public presenting as Alice! For the first time.
Standing by the door of my hotel room, my heart was beating like a drum and I could hardly breathe. Those first few steps were the hardest: we got to the lift unseen, but then I had to walk through reception. I held my breath as the lift doors opened and walked as quickly as I could, not looking right or left. Past total strangers in the lobby and outside drinking.
Lsst year I took my first steps into naturism and joined the local club: this year, with the club now fully reopened, I was able spend the day there with a friend…
There seems to be a lot of talk about selfies and photography today.
Photography has been part of my life for so long. The thrill of picking up your 24 prints from Boots is hard to beat. Though of course this could also be matched by the sense of embarrassment knowing what some of the photos might be of. Hoping against hope they had not been viewed too closely by the photolab staff…
Today, the thrill of seeing your shots is instantaneous, but there is no blushing in Boots.
My one regret is that I never had a model as willing as myself. In part this explains Alice: I love taking pictures of models in sexy underwear and with no-one else to wear it, I wear it myself.
Selfies have been a constant thing throughout my journey as Alice. I started posting pictures to Flickr back in 2012 and have documented virtually every occasion I have had the opportunity to dress up.
2012
2014
2015
2016
These days of course, that means virtually daily. I still post everything I take to Flickr, including some of the less flattering shots. There are now around 20,000 shots of Alice in various states of undress.
Since posting more frequently to Twitter, my style has probably altered slightly: I now take more “tasteful” shots which are acceptable for my timeline. This I think has helped me in my photography as I have to be more creative and the results are more pleasing.
Having access to a much expanded wardrobe and being able to shave my legs has also helped with the appeal of my shots too without doubt.
During lockdown, of course, the opportunities to take pictures have multiplied and I have been doing just that. I started #DressoftheDay in March not knowing how long it might last, but, finally, I am beginning to run out of new outfits to show off.
February 2018. So, at last, freedom! All alone in my new home! Suddenly, for the first time in 18 years I was master (mistress?) of my domain! It was time for Alice to set off on a journey of discovery.
Practically everyday was an Alice day. My wardrobe expanded exponentially.
So I found myself sleeping in the old garage. Meant as a short-term fix while I bought a flat, it turned out to be for longer than either of us would have wanted. Effectively in self-isolation every evening, I spent far more time than I ought to on Twitter and Kik.
But it also gave me the opportunity to finally be Alice whenever I wanted and needless to say I took full advantage of my new circumstances. I shaved my legs and chest and painted my toenails for the first time
In the old garage, sharing with the lawnmower!
I really began to engage with people on Kik and Twitter rather than just the occasional like or comment. I made friends with them, and discovered a community where I felt comfortable and happy.
Eventually I took the step and met with someone from Kik. I took the sensible step of meeting them first in a pub so that we could get to know each other a little, and then a week later, drove to his house. This was going to be another first for me: a “meet” with a single purpose. (More about “meets” later.)
In early 2018, I finally left the family home and rented my own place nearby. The feeling of finally having my own place was wonderful. For the first time I was able to stop looking over my shoulder the whole time and just relax and be myself. The weight of everything I had been carrying around for years was shed and for the first time I felt free.
A question I am often asked by people, and often ask myself, is why did I create Alice?
I’m afraid I don’t really know the answer, but recently my memory was jogged to events that happened a long time ago that may give a few clues.
When I was 10, I persuaded my (girl) friend from down the road to swap underwear with me. I have no memory of why I wanted to do this, but I remember being excited about the prospect and enjoying wearing her knickers and vest (too young for bras) – but particularly her knickers.
Then nothing for many years.
Then when I was 19 and a student I bought my girlfriend some lingerie – a g-string, suspender belt and fishnet stockings. I recall feeling very nervous but excited about buying them, in Fenwicks in Newcastle. I was also excited about her wearing them and taking her picture in them: I still have the picture. I bought her more lingerie and we took more pictures. At no time though, did I ever wear it myself.
Later, when we lived together I continued to buy her lingerie, but her willingness to wear it and be photographed waned. Once while at home alone on study leave (I would have been about 26 by now) I remember putting on the stockings under my trousers to go to the newsagents to buy a porn mag. (This was about 1991!) I was so nervous, but excited, about leaving the house with such an illicit secret.
In 1994 we went to the Rocky Horror Show for the first time and I was persuaded to dress up, but I had to be persuaded to do it rather than suggesting it myself. Pictures of me from that night were later produced at my wedding the following year by my best man and passed around my family and friends! (Thanks, guys!)
Rocky Horror Show 1994
Beer and a fag
Then, in 2000 with a new girlfriend, I started buying her lingerie and photographing her wearing it. Again, some beautiful photos which I still have. I guess by this stage, I was beginning to embrace more kink and we had tried one or two different things; some light bondage and sploshing (which had us in fits of laughter).
At Christmastime that year, I made her a video of me wearing her underwear which she fully embraced at the time.
The following year, while I was living in NYC, I took a pair of her knickers with me and took photos for her of me wearing them. This was mostly to feel closer to her. But, when she came to stay, I asked her to tie me up while I was wearing her underwear. At that point she said no, she didn’t want to and we never tried that again.
Manhattan 2001
Manhattan 2001
These were all relatively isolated incidents over a long period of time which while indicative, do not really form a pattern that would explain Alice.
It was not until 2012, when home alone for a few days that someone online remarked that they would like to see me in my wife’s underwear and dresses that the idea of Alice really came to fruition.
As 2016 rolled into 2017, life continued much as before. At home I felt increasingly isolated and excluded from family life: as Alice I continued to meet and have fun with several girls.
Then, inevitably, came a showdown. My wife “inadvertently” found a pair of knickers in my work bag. She drew a perhaps inevitable conclusion that I was having an affair. I confessed they were mine. She was horrified and warned me that it should stop or there would be consequences.
I kind of hoped that this might be a turning point for us: I stopped being Alice for a while and tried for a while to be the model husband. It seemed, though, that whatever I did, it was never going to be quite good enough.
This was written in August 2016 after my first trip to a sex club.
Since before I started cross dressing I have had a fantasy about sucking cock…
Recently I have been seeing an escort who is herself interested in t-girls. Last time I met with her she suggested a club called Sweet Wednesday and I said yeah maybe…
Then she mentioned that she did duos with a t-girl…I said, hmm sounds interesting!
“Maybe you could take me to Sweet Wednesday…” I suggested.
A Man Called Alice 